10:51 PM, ~25
Friday, January 1, 2010
A few minutes after the fireworks went off,
amidst all the shoutings and cheerings, i felt myself tearing up.
I found that i was sad.
I was really really sad and afraid to leave 2009.
I'm not gonna lie that i'm still very hurt at heart now but 2009 was the
greatest year for me so far.
It's not easy for me to let go of everything and move forward with 2010.
Feelings dont go away overnight do they?
I just realised that yesterday when i was walking home in the morning.
I'm a very slow reactor.
When something major happens to me today, i'll only get affected a few days after.
I've got too many special memories in 2009.
I can't just ditch them like that. It's gonna take a lot of time.
And i really pray to God to give me the strength to keep moving forward.
You. I try not to think about you.
At times i succeed, other times i don't.
I still get occasionally teary on nights that i suddenly remember you and
the things we used to do.
I remember the things you used to tell me and i just wonder.
Whatever was all that talking for? What'd you tell me all that shit for if you were never really sure whether you meant it or not?
What did you talk so much for?
Sometimes, it feels like a dream. Because frankly, i never saw us being apart ever.
Then i think of how easily you let go.
And it motivates me to let go too.
Walking home yesterday at 3 in the morning, i passed all the places we used to go.
I fucking shouldn't, i know that, but the morning was so calm,
so cold and beautiful.
I thought i should say goodbye to all those places before i start 2010.
And you know, staying positive all the time isn't easy. It's tiring.
I couldn't help tearing as i stood in the distance and watched the place we used to watch our movies while eating.
I watched the place where we used to piggyback each other, me stumbling with every step because you were simply too heavy.
I watched the vending machine we frequented, the one we fed with all our coins.
I watched the place where i used to wait while you sober up,
just so we could go home happy.
And i took the route we always took when we walked home.
I took the route where we always sang at the top of our voices.
I saw a vision of us walking and laughing.
And wow, sakit betol hati aku. Haha.
Ok, even though i said all those hateful things to you that day
(and i meant most of what i said),
i know it'll be quite a while before i forget you.
However, it's gonna be a long looooong time before i would
wanna see your face again.
Whatever it is, its now 2010. 2009 is over and done.
But yeah, the heartache will stay on inside for quite a while.
I've got no time for love now. My heart's already bitter.
But i'll always remember your restaurant.
It's just seven years away. When you turn twenty five. (:
I miss everything i had in 2009. I don't want to, but i can't help it.
I know if friends read this, they'd just grill me.
But i really hope you guys will understand.
I'll do a proper update about New Year's Eve soon.
That night was some awesome shit with Fasha, Ruz, Hid and her cuzzies although complications rose when Ruz's momma didnt bring the house key with her.
Apa lah cik rubia nie. Haha.
I'll write about it soon. Or maybe i can just throw everything in fb.
i hate how emotional i get when i flip that black book
but i can't bear to throw it just yet.
i guess we both knew, its better if we just let go.
